Bigger Smaller Bigger

by with John Berardi & Martin Rooney

Red, Naked, and Spread-Eagle


I’m lying on my living room floor — bright red, naked, spread-eagle, and soaking wet.

And for the second time in the past few weeks my entire body feels like one giant heartbeat. My eyes roll back in my head as a gentle breeze comes in through the open window.

I just did my first hot-water immersion bath — aka 10 minutes of torture — and I was so hot, I didn’t even want to towel off. I had to get the hell out of the bathroom. So I stumbled into the living room, dripping water everywhere, and nearly face-planted on the floor.

Are you OK? asks Richelle.

I turn my head slowly and look at her. She’s sitting on the couch reading a book.

I’m just gonna lie here for a while, I mumble.

I generally enjoy baths, especially hot ones, but this one was different. My apartment’s water apparently doesn’t get as hot as JB wants — “hot enough to cause moderate pain but not burn your hand” — so I filled two pots and a kettle with water, put them on a stove until they were boiling, then poured them into the bath along with some Epsom salt.

It took a full minute just to work up the courage to dunk my balls in and 5 minutes to fully submerge myself.

After that, I counted every second until I could get out.

It sounds ridiculous, but that 10 minutes in the tub — especially with only drinking a 1/2 gallon of water for the entire day — was one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever done. Maybe even worse than Hurricane Sprints.

I’m so light-headed right now.

The purpose of the baths, JB tells me, is to sweat out water. Which seemed to work.

Before I got in I weighed 180.2 pounds. Before I stumbled into the living room, I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 179.4, which seems like a small return for the shit I just went through.

There’s got to be an easier, less painful way to lose weight quickly.

Perhaps I could saw off my left arm.

Other highlights from Day 31

  • Switching to a shot of espresso instead of drip coffee in the morning. With only half a gallon of water allowed, I have to conserve every bit.
  • Getting a text message from JB that said: You’ll probably lose another 3 pounds by tomorrow. Then there will be the push to drop six pounds on Thursday and Friday. Smooth sailing. But I still have a question: If I only lost one pound in the bath, how the hell am I supposed to lose 9 more?

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