Bigger Smaller Bigger

by with John Berardi & Martin Rooney

Sex and The Lion King


When you’re shoveling three huge meals into your mouth every day, timing is everything.

My “normal” schedule — at least for the past five days — has been breakfast at 8:00 AM, lunch at 2:00 PM, and dinner at 7:00 PM.

But today I fucked up my whole day.

I slept in till 9:30 AM. Which meant I didn’t eat breakfast till 10:00 AM. Which meant I didn’t eat lunch till 4:00 PM. Which meant I didn’t eat dinner till 9:30 PM. There was just no way I could stick to my original schedule without force-feeding myself more than I normally do.

Now I know that in a lot of countries it’s customary to start dinner at 9:00 or 10:00 PM.

But when you’re eating a pound of meat with three cups of veggies and all the rest — and when you’re accustomed to going to bed by 11:00 PM since you’re more like a grandpa than a 27-year-old — there’s just no way to eat a huge meal that late and feel comfortable.

So my dinner is currently digesting and sleep is totally out of the question. Richelle says she can hear my stomach growling from the other room.

Speaking of my girlfriend, today was the first day we went on a date since I started this experiment.

When you have to work out and cook and eat three huge meals a day, you don’t really have a lot of time for movies. Or concerts. Or going out to eat. Or, well, anything.

Right now my day revolves around the clock and making sure I’m getting all my meals in.

Pregnant man.

And another thing for those interested: my sex drive is non-existent right now. I mean, yeah, sex sounds nice. In theory. But once I actually think about the steps that lead to sex — flirting, cuddling, removing clothes, etc — it just seems like way too much work.

Plus I have a permanent bloat going on, which is incredibly uncomfortable and makes me look semi-pregnant. All of which I’m sure don’t turn my girlfriend on. 

(Unless she finds bloated, farting, pregnant-looking men attractive. In which case…)

I’m hoping by next week my body will be used to the amount of food it’s taking in and settle down a bit. At least long enough for a quickie.

Oh, and by the way, our date was awesome.

We went to the digitally remastered version of The Lion King. In 3D. The early show. And we snuck in a couple cans of beer.

I know, right? Classy.

Other highlights from Day 6

  • Doing deadlifts and squats.
  • Weighing myself at 5:00 PM just for the hell of it. (181 pounds, by the way. Which is weird because tomorrow morning I know I’ll likely be around 175 again. The weight fluctuations from hour to hour are crazy.)

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